Nate Smith (’19) and Lukas DeSimone (’20) interviewed by Zoe Ryan (’20)

Let’s get one thing straight: it is called machete kitchen, not Hoch Hacks. We specialize in stuffed foods stuff AS WELL as other stuffed things.

What was the inspiration for this tradition?

We were wondering what Zach Goland wouldn’t eat, as far as I have seen he is a trash compactor. Once upon a time, I saw Zach eat an entire tennis ball with a fork and knife, no BS. He also ate the business end of a pineapple.

Favorite hack?

Espresso pear – Lukas

It had the best presentation, it was a hollowed out pear with a double shot of espresso poured down its gullet, served with two chopsticks. It was a culinary triumph.

Slushie croissant ( croissant Machete style) – Nate

It was the most labor intensive things we built, it had the best looking cross section by far. Lukas took just the marshmallows from lucky charms and mashed them up into a beautiful green powder that looked like a combination of ash and rock salt. It covered a croissant that we peeled back all nice like, and drove the rig full of blue slushie and then we just wrapped it back up like nothing happened.  Then we drizzled the green powder right over the top.

What won’t Zach eat?

The dessert formerly known as the dessert with no beets in it.

An unassuming sandwich on oat bread. The interior of the sandwich: bread pudding, jello, almond butter, a lot of cinnamon sugar, three carrot sticks, a quarter handful of red beans, and the biggest beet slice God ever put on this great green earth I have ever seen. Zach got about forearm deep before he gagged and pile drove that thing into the dirt.

Any rules?

There are only 5 rules:

1. Never sizzle your guy
2. Oat bread only
3. Enough cinnamon sugar that you get cotton mouth
4. If there is bread pudding it must go in the dessert
5. Respect Zach enough so he will actually eat it, but don’t make it easy on him
6. We don’t only serve desserts, we serve experience